JOKES YOU CAN SAFELY USE WITHOUT FEAR OF COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT
Published by HumorMall.com
Edited by SM Cerce
©December, 2008 Vol.10, No. 10
ISSN: 1527-3873

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This Week

51. This is really an improvement from my last job. I used to work at the Post Office as a grave digger in the dead letter department.
52. The latest word from Washington is the Post Office plans to open its very own cemetery. One of the highlights will be the Tomb of the Unknown Occupant.
53. I'm amazed at how lazy people are getting. The other day, I was driving a cart down a supermarket aisle and picked up two hitchhikers!
54. There is one serious drawback to solar energy. How could we watch a total eclipse of the sun on tv?
55. Living in the jet age means if you're poor, you're classified as having been born on the wrong side of the runway.
56. Divorce is when a husband goes one way, and his money goes another.
57. To the big spender, indecent exposure is being caught in public without your wallet.
58. That's really hard to take. Like a pay toilet in a Mexican restaurant that only takes Canadian coins.
59. In my old neighborhood, we had the world's only second-hand grocery store. That's right. You could go in and pawn your old junk food.
60. When I made my weight-loss goal, my Weight Watchers group presented me with the coveted "Slimmy". It's like the "Emmy" only it's made out of plaster-of-paris and cottage cheese.

December, 2008

01. I don't want to complain about an increase in shoplifting, but I understand last year more Christmas gifts were returned than sold
02. I've almost convinced my wife that going to a massage parlor is a religious experience. Said it starts with the laying on of hands.
03. Just had to switch massage parlors 'cause the masseuse is always in such a grouchy mood. And if there's one thing I can't stand - it's sour gropes.
04. Rest assured. It's only an unfounded rumor that Weight Watchers is trying to have Thanksgiving declared an illegal holiday.
05. Is it just me or are people getting ruder and ruder? On Thanksgiving some guests must've double parked their manners at the door,
06. I heard that my ex-wife is getting married again. I guess it's her way of attempting to recycle her nightly headache.
07. I never got along with my ex-wife's mother. She was a CIA agent: Constantly Instigating Arguments.
08. My neighbor is a dedicated consumer activist. I told him I had 1000 shares of a stock that had split and he said, "You have a right to return them for a full refund."
09. He has a solar-heated house and you'd never know the difference except for one thing. The cockroaches wear sun glasses.
10. The problem with the Republicans - they look the same but they don't have the support they used to. My spouse has the same problem with his/her shape.
11. There's no pleasing my mother-in-law. Last Christmas I decided to make it easy by giving her cash. She tried to exchange it for another color.
12. I've invented a Christmas toy that's going to make me a fortune. It's a doll that walks, talks, and puts together all the gifts that have to be assembled.
13. Children's toys are so sophisticated these days. I saw one doll that drinks and wets. What makes it sophisticated is what it drinks - sloe gin fizzes.
14. You've seen those LITTLE DOCTOR kits, and LITTLE LAWYER kits. Now they have a LITTLE MAIL CARRIER kit and it's very realistic. You pay for it, the salesman mails it to your kid and it never arrives.
15. Twas the night before Christmas - And all through the house - Not a creature was stirring - Cause they all got soused.
16. I bought my son an ant farm and what a gyp. The tractors were extra.
17. Have you noticed how we Americans love gimmick gifts? We've had pet rocks, mood rings, and now this Christmas they're selling battery powered batteries.
18. Here is a brief but sad Christmas scene: "I But I thought YOU were getting the batteries !"
19. The day after Christmas I went for a ride on my kid's ten speed bike. That's when I discovered I only had one speed legs.
20. I live in a neighborhood so rough, last year Santa was mugged in mid-chimney.
21. My representative has authored a bill to solve the latest political scandal. If passed, it will make all bribes to public officials taxable.
22. Western Union has a new service that will speed up dealings in business and politics. It's called the "Bribe-a-gram".
23. I'm the life of the party on New Year's Eve. That's because I have a list of all the liquor stores that stay open after midnight.
24. The way things are right now, I've got two choices: Either put the Christmas wreath on the door or use it for a salad.
25. I'm not sure about the Ghost of Christmas Past, but I've got the feeling the Ghost of Christmas future is going to work for a collection agency.
26. Christmas is the time of year when relatives you haven't seen in years drop in to pay their respects. I'd like it better if they'd drop in to pay their debts!
27. Did you ever wonder how Satanists celebrate Christmas? Instead of giving gifts, they steal something from each other.
28. I never really noticed how bad pollution was in this city until the day I flew in and saw weeds growing in the clouds!
29. Yesterday, I bought the most compact, most nutritional, most concentrated vitamin on the market. To give you an idea of how strong it was, it's called the "One - A - Lifetime" vitamin
30. I won't say how big the thing was, but it was the first time I had to swallow a pill using a shoehorn.
41. You know the food budget is stretched a little thin when holiday time comes and you notice your wife measuring the cat for the micro-wave oven.
42. Cold? The other day Santa was singing Rudolph the Blue Nosed Reindeer.
43. Have you priced Christmas trees yet? I bought a tree for $20 that a chihuahua would even turn his nose down to.
44. Now I know why it's called a white Christmas. When you see the price of a Christmas tree, you turn pale.
45. We have sort of a Christmas tradition in our neighborhood. Fifty people go from door to door singing Christmas carols. Fifty people - five for harmony and the rest for protection.
46. Berkeley is such a wild town. You can see people going from door to door singing carols and carrying a pitch pipe filled with marijuana.
47. You know why Santa lands on the roof and comes down through the chimney? Did you ever try to find a parking space these days?
48. I live in a crime ridden neighborhood. I Santa's sleigh was pulled by eight tiny reindeer wearing ski masks.
49. Remember Santa's list of who's naughty? Last summer the FBI broke into the North Pole and stole it.
50. My mother-in-law did not like the muffler I gave her for Christmas. I don't know why. It was the best muffler money could buy - Midas.
51. This is really an improvement from my last job. I used to work at the Post Office as a grave digger in the dead letter department.
52. The latest word from Washington is the Post Office plans to open its very own cemetery. One of the highlights will be the Tomb of the Unknown Occupant.
53. I'm amazed at how lazy people are getting. The other day, I was driving a cart down a supermarket aisle and picked up two hitchhikers!
54. There is one serious drawback to solar energy. How could we watch a total eclipse of the sun on tv?
55. Living in the jet age means if you're poor, you're classified as having been born on the wrong side of the runway.
56. Divorce is when a husband goes one way, and his money goes another.
57. To the big spender, indecent exposure is being caught in public without your wallet.
58. That's really hard to take. Like a pay toilet in a Mexican restaurant that only takes Canadian coins.
59. In my old neighborhood, we had the world's only second-hand grocery store. That's right. You could go in and pawn your old junk food.
60. When I made my weight-loss goal, my Weight Watchers group presented me with the coveted "Slimmy". It's like the "Emmy" only it's made out of plaster-of-paris and cottage cheese.

November, 2008

01. My neighbor is not very civic minded. The only time he goes into a voting booth is to write graffiti on the walls.
02. He hates to be politically wrong. The day after an election if he backed the loser he just pastes the winner's bumper sticker over the one he has.
03. Enthusiasm for term limits is the result of voters getting tired of politicians doing to them what pigeons do to statues.
04. Equal rights for the sexes will be reached only when totally unqualified women occupy high positions of power.
05. You're getting old when you pull a muscle just thinking about doing what comes naturally.
06. Don't laugh at your driver's license picture. It's probably the way most of your friends think you look.
07. I won't say I'm a pessimist, but the only thing I expect on a silver platter is a waiter's bill.
08. In any and all endeavors, be positive. The world is your oyster if you are positive. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more important for success - with the possible exception of being rich.
09. Another report showed that in 60 percent of all marriages, at least one partner had been threatened by the other with a dangerous weapon. With me, it was my spouse's food.
10. Dumb? His CPA told him he should have a tax shelter and he thought it was something to hide in when the I.R.S. agents came around.
11. Found a cheap way of getting a bird for Thanksgiving - electrify the bird feeder.
12. Going to go see Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Remember - New York is the city of cash and carry muggers!
13. I'm going to eat Thanksgiving dinner at a very exclusive New York restaurant. You have to give three credit references just to pay in cash.
14. Some diets are just too hard - like the goats milk diet. The first week you drink only tins of goats milk. The second week does have a little more variety - you get to eat the cans.
15. Did you hear about the guy who married for the hell of it? The rest of his life - that's what he had.
16. I liked Michael Richards' character on "Seinfeld." Remember the episode where Kramer made carrot soup and before anyone could eat it they had to peel it?
17. My spouse hates to cook because it brings back bad memories -- like the last time he/she set the kitchen table -- on fire.
18. My family loves sweets. Their idea of natural food is a cupcake without icing.
19. Eat? How many homes have a refrigerator with an express window.
20. My spouse just put our family on a health food kick. Can you imagine what it's like to drink carrot juice eight times a day? Already it's beginning to affect me. Every night my dreams start out with a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
21. When I got married I thought my spouse was the answer to my prayers. Which explains why I'm now an atheist.
22. I still have a severe identity problem. It all stems from the time I went to summer camp and on all my name tags my mother put 'OCCUPANT'
23. I didn't eat much this Thanksgiving. I was already fed up with all my relatives coming to dinner.
24. Was going to get in shape BEFORE the holidays but I have to wait. Pulled a muscle typing.
25. In fact, when I went to check out health clubs, I was asked to be in one club's ad - as "Mr. / Ms. WAY BEFORE."
26. They're coming out with a Putin digital watch. It doesn't have a big hand or a little hand, just a middle finger.
27. Yeah, Putin has got that certain something. And who knows, maybe someday they'll find a cure for it.
28. Dr. Reuben is finally publishing a sequel to his best seller called: "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask Your Congressman."
29 Jimmy Carter is moving on. Since there's no longer any need for forced bussing, he's demanding forced brushing.
30. The slow speed of deciding who gets what in January has Nancy Pelosi in a tizzy. She's not sure if she picked up the Democrat transition timetable - or a DC Metro Bus Schedule.
31. I'm not sure I want to continue eating fish. The boat I bought from told me the best lure for fishing these days it a magnet.
32. I have a solution to the weight gain people are experiencing worldwide. Just change the slogan Survival of the Fittest to Survival of the Fattest!
33. I'm afraid I have to play a sick game at Christmas this year,"Credit Card Roulette." I'll gonna hold up all my credit cards and make the cashier guess which one isn't over the limit.
34. This year the local police are going to get tough with New Year's Eve drunks. They don't have to walk a white line, they have to paint it.
35. Mattel is releasing 'S&M' Barbie dolls this year. But the one I'm waiting for is the 'Reality Barbie' - comes with stretch marks.
36. Last night watched such a violent crime show - they didn't have credits at the end - just an eulogy.
37. Heard things are getting so tough they've started repossessing devices from people who can't keep up the payments on their pacemakers.
38. After the holidays be careful not to go overboard on the diet pills. I'm tired of listening to people who'll utter a 16 word sentence and 15 of them are verbs.
39. I think the kids are hinting for an increase in their allowance. For Christmas my wife says they're giving me a PICTURE of a necktie!
40. My husband and I have decided that this Holiday season we'll only argue under special circumstances - like when we're both in the house at the same time.