Professional Humor Tip Series
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41. Now that my son's in college, I told him to go and drink from the tree of knowledge. Just found out he's drinking from the can of Bud.
42. I have nothing against Los Angeles. It's a great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to breathe there.
43. I'm nervous. I asked my doctor about the tests from my check-up. He said, "Let me put it this way. What do you think about euthanasia?"
44. My uncle has his own way of dealing with his health. His doctor told him to stop drinking and start cleansing his system. Well, he didn't stop drinking but now with each bottle of Irish whiskey, he has eats a bar of Irish Spring!
45. Went to a party and had an interesting conversation with a bail bondsman. Said he never met a FELON he didn't like.
46. On the news last night they cancelled the weather report. Seems the meteorologist left his coin at home.
47. Between drinks, my boozy uncle likes to explain how Playboy is such a boon to this country. "I mean, look how much work they've given to all those poor girls who can't afford clothes."
48. Kelly Osbourne really has it in for Lady Gaga. Yesterday, she said the way Gaga dresses, she looks like how her name sounds.
49. Small town? Our zoo has balloon animals.
50. Small town? When I get tired of listening to our local DJ, I let him know and he gets up and goes home.

01. It just doesn't make sense. Like appointment calendars in a prison cell.
02. I won't say my wife/husband's relatives eat a lot, but the lazy susan on their table is diesel powered.
03. My great aunt Tilly finally took her first plane ride. She was so thrilled she sought out the pilot to compliment him and said, "You did a great job. The airplane didn't fall down ONCE!"
04. A fight broke out at Kelly Osbourne's birthday party costing her more than $100,000 in damages. Says the pink haired diva, "Those morons ruined my birthday party. They can't do that. That's MY job!"
05. Paris Hilton took in few Off-Broadway stage plays recently but was disappointed. Seems that in every one of the plays, no one took OFF anything. Hilton said if she had wanted to see clothes, she would have gone shopping!
06. I'm fascinated with the debates in Congress these last few months. I'm mean where else do you find whoppers so big they cast shadows?
07. TV's influence is really incredible. When I asked my eight-year old who his heros were, he said, "Desperate Housewives - all of them!"
08. That inspires about as much confidence as a one-eyed optometrist.
09. The contented bachelor is a guy who believes the perfect marriage is the one that never happens.
10. Recently I swore off cigarettes. And you know something? The more I was off them, the more I swore.
11. Sometimes I feel that if I ever did make it to "easy street," I'd be arrested for loitering.
12. You can always tell a pro basketball player having breakfast. He's the one drinking coffee and "slam dunking" his doughnut.
13. Retired chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan always had a mind for business. Even as a kid. They say he never slept with teddy bears - only his toy briefcase.
14. Kelly Osbourne really takes after her dad Black Sabbath leader singer Ozzy Osbourne. Last week she said she wasn't confused when she threw rice at a funeral. And thought it added certain charm to the hearse with all those shoes on the back bumper.
15. Yesterday I lit my cigar with a $500 bill. It was from the utilities company.
16. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably reading your utilities bill.
17. My furnace broke down last winter and I'm still waiting to get it fixed. The repairman says that his union won't permit him to work in an unheated house!
18. I am not mechanically inclined and once spent an entire Saturday afternoon trying to talk a dripping faucet into sniffling.
19. At least my stove is working again. The landlord had to replace my pilot light - now it's a candle being held by a laid-off 747 captain.
20. The economy may be bad but that doesn't seem to stop restaurants from overcharging. When I went to a fancy French restaurant - I greeted the maitre d' in French, chose the wine in French, ordered the food in French and paid the bill in bankruptcy court.
21. Have you noticed that in most restaurants these days, the wait-staff is fresh but the food is frozen?
22. When I go to a restaurant now, I don't know who to compliment for the deliciously prepared frozen food - the chef or the microwave oven.
23. In the 'Hood' - you're kid is considered culturally handicapped if they don't know how to spray paint graffiti.
24. One 'Hood' gang member stole my wallet and checkbook but was caught at the bank. Tried to spray-paint a check.
25. Remember the good old days when terrorists were Peter Lorre, Vincent Price and Boris Karloff?
26. What a concept for a horror show. Call it The Postmonster. About a civil service worker who terrorizes the government by being efficient.
27. I do a little acting now and then. I had a small part in one far out off-off-Broadway show. I played the part of a fly. It was just a walk on, but I brought the house down - literally. The ceiling caved in.
28. Lying there in the middle of the audience I had flashbacks to my tough childhood in Malibu. I was the only kid in my class without a press agent.
29. Former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Warren Burger once said that "Half the lawyers graduating from American Law Schools are unqualified to practice law." Now isn't that looking at the glass as half-empty? I mean, if it weren't for the incompetent, where would the USA get its court appointed lawyers?
30. Besides, ignorance of the law may be no defense in court but it has led to long and distinguished careers for quite a few U.S. Federal judges!
31. A political opponent of Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has had a major accident. Seems he went swimming with an anchor around his neck.
32. According to a new study, people who regularly watch reality shows on TV are "significantly more culturally aware" than those in the control group who were in comas.
33. I'm a little worried about getting a bonus this year. The Accounting Department just ordered a gallon of red ink.
34. If my job goes belly-up, I'm set. I've been studying all year to be an animal wrangler. Just finished learning how to housebreak goldfish.
35. My wife just informed me that in 2011 we're investing in plastics. She pointed to her chest and said, "size 40 double C."
36. When I got married I didn't realize I was also getting a career in Affirmative Action - as in "Yes Dear."
37. My wife's cooking is a real culinary adventure. Until I married her, I didn't know BURNT was a flavor.
38. I'm not that great a cook though. I made cookies for our last party and our guests amused themselves taking out the chocolate chips with a screwdriver!
39. I don't think I was wanted as a child. After I was born, my mother presented me with a bill for nine months rent.
40. When my son was in grade school, he tried to run away from home with all the essentials. He collapsed after one block though. Would have succeeded - if he hadn't tried to take the refrigerator.
41. Now that my son's in college, I told him to go and drink from the tree of knowledge. Just found out he's drinking from the can of Bud.
42. I have nothing against Los Angeles. It's a great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to breathe there.
43. I'm nervous. I asked my doctor about the tests from my check-up. He said, "Let me put it this way. What do you think about euthanasia?"
44. My uncle has his own way of dealing with his health. His doctor told him to stop drinking and start cleansing his system. Well, he didn't stop drinking but now with each bottle of Irish whiskey, he has eats a bar of Irish Spring!
45. Went to a party and had an interesting conversation with a bail bondsman. Said he never met a FELON he didn't like.
46. On the news last night they cancelled the weather report. Seems the meteorologist left his coin at home.
47. Between drinks, my boozy uncle likes to explain how Playboy is such a boon to this country. "I mean, look how much work they've given to all those poor girls who can't afford clothes."
48. Kelly Osbourne really has it in for Lady Gaga. Yesterday, she said the way Gaga dresses, she looks like how her name sounds.
49. Small town? Our zoo has balloon animals.
50. Small town? When I get tired of listening to our local DJ, I let him know and he gets up and goes home.

01. Didn't watch the World Cup. I'm strictly a football fan. In fact my wife tells me if I watch as much football next year as I did last year, she's going to take up a new hobby - divorce!
02. Sometimes watching football is a little boring. But you know what would change all that - more yardage and less wordage.
03. Unfortunately, I didn't have it in me to play pro ball. I'm so injury prone, I once pulled a muscle in a whirlpool bath!
04. My brother-in-law doesn't know much about football. To him, a "wide receiver" is a sumo wrestler hosting a party.
05. But he is a real party animal. You might say he's the kind of guy you'd invite to a party only if you wanted it raided.
06. Is he dumb? He bought a set of snow tires, and then spent six weeks trying to figure out how to get the snow in through that little valve.
07. I'll tell ya, my boss is cheap, if he had been at the Last Supper, his only thought would have been "Who's picking up the check?"
08. Before I became "cultured" - I thought Oriental rugs were floor coverings for Toyotas.
09. My husband is the silent type - he only says what he thinks.
10. (FEMALE HECKLER) Lady, one more comment like that and you'll have lost so much face, the next time there'll be nothing left to lift!
11. (DRUNK) He's got a great head on his shoulders. Unfortunately, tonight he's thinking with his elbow.
12. (HECKLER) Sir, if you'll just wait awhile, we'll have something you can participate in - your arrest!
13. (AFTER NEEDLING INTRODUCTION) I've heard nicer introductions at muggings!
14. (AFTER BEING INTRODUCED) The world's in trouble ladies and gentlemen, because all the beautiful people are here tonight.
15. (IF A JOKE BOMBS) Will Someone please call a priest? That joke needs an eulogy.
16. (IF A JOKE BOMBS) That's the first time I ever got blank stares from a LOADED audience.
17. (HOSTILE AUDIENCE) Look folks, there seems to be a misunderstanding here. I'm not General Custer and you're not the Indians.
18. (FOLLOWING A LONG WINDED SPEAKER) Can I get my water glass refilled? During that last speech, most of the water evaporated.
19. (AFTER DINNER) I hope this group isn't like my last audience. They spent my entire speech asking one another for ROLAIDS.
20. He specializes in "balloon humor." Every joke he tells floats right over their heads.
21. Is that movie scary? When I saw it the people sitting behind me begged me to stand up and block their view.
22. I understand that TV executives are having a recurring nightmare. One day, Simon Cowell will look at the camera and say, "I'm converting, becoming a monk and taking a vow of humility."
23. That's not all worrying TV executives. Not only are the big networks shocked how they're losing viewers but that they're starting to get complaints their shows are mindless from the likes of Paris Hilton and Kate Moss!
24. You know, it used to be that many actresses got their start in parts wearing only a smile. Unlike today's aspiring actresses who would love to work their way up to such roles.
25. Just recently Paris Hilton showed up on the set wearing a wet t-shirt. Seems the label said "Wash and Wear."
26. You know it's going to be a cold day when the bird singing outside your window is a penguin.
27. (ROAST LINE) Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce now one of the few persons who's ever become stuck in an escalator.
28. I can't wait for the switch to the metric system. That's when the foot-long hot dog will be replaced by the twenty centimeter weiner.
29. Scientists are still trying to determine if there is intelligent life on Mars. Then again, they're also trying to determine if there's intelligent life in Washington!
30. Like my uncle the bailbondsman always says, "I've never met a FELON I didn't like."
31. Remember the good old days when the housing boom created such a demand that there's nothing that couldn't sell. Like the fixer-upper down the street that came with indoor carpeting and outdoor plumbing.
32. When the new owner contacted local plumbers, he discovered they don't take credit cards anymore. Just gold bullion.
33. Punk rock isn't dead. It just sounds that way.
34. I love the people I work with. Take my boss for instance. He never forgets a thing I say. Of course, that's because he never listens in the first place.
35. Some say he's a snappy dresser. I don't know about that. Personally, I don't think he's ever had that blue suit of his cleaned. Once he came to work with a flower in his lapel and when he took it out - it had taken root!
36. And I don't care what he says in his pep talks. I say any company's in trouble when you look out the window on the 79th floor and see your boss pacing up and down on the ledge.
37. Here's a bit of good news. The president of the Paris Hilton fan club just learned how to read! I guess his mom was wrong. He didn't go blind after all!
38. ABC Good Morning America is having a series of theme shows. All the guests will have one thing in common – nothing to plug.
39. Do you ever feel you are at the crossroads of your life - and the light's red?
40. Do you know that old saying: "A man's home is his BANK'S castle?"