JOKES YOU CAN SAFELY USE WITHOUT FEAR OF COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT
Published by HumorMall.com
Edited by SM Cerce
©February, 2010 Vol.12, No. 10
ISSN: 1527-3873

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This Week

01. Liberals are starting to think that registering with the Democrat Party is becoming nothing more than a futility rite.
02. Obama may ask Congress for authority to eliminate all obsolete government bodies. There goes the Democrat Party.
03. Hear the statistics that the average student runs a 50/50 chance of being mugged, robbed or assaulted at school? I guess we could look at the bright side. At least it's getting teenage crime off the streets.
04. A recent survey shows that 70% of the world's population are mentally stable, 15% are either in mental institutions or being treated by a psychiatrist and the other 15% are TV network executives. (ADAPT TO YOUR PROFESSION)
05. Last week I tried to buy a life insurance policy but my agent wouldn't sell me one. Seems I live in a high risk area - planet earth.
06. Another report showed that in 60 percent of all marriages, at least one partner had been threatened by the other with a dangerous weapon. With me, it's my wife's cooking.
07. Have you been following the (CELEBRITY/POLITICIAN) trial? Some recent testimony was so racy, the court recorder had to type the transcript on plain brown paper.
08. To give you an idea of what some of the exhibits were like, eight pages of the transcript consisted of the jury's heavy breathing.
09. Lincoln once said "You can't fool all of the people, all of the time." Lincoln obviously had never seen a 1040 form.
10. I have tried living within my income, but they don't make houses that small.

February, 2010

01. Liberals are starting to think that registering with the Democrat Party is becoming nothing more than a futility rite.
02. Obama may ask Congress for authority to eliminate all obsolete government bodies. There goes the Democrat Party.
03. Hear the statistics that the average student runs a 50/50 chance of being mugged, robbed or assaulted at school? I guess we could look at the bright side. At least it's getting teenage crime off the streets.
04. A recent survey shows that 70% of the world's population are mentally stable, 15% are either in mental institutions or being treated by a psychiatrist and the other 15% are TV network executives. (ADAPT TO YOUR PROFESSION)
05. Last week I tried to buy a life insurance policy but my agent wouldn't sell me one. Seems I live in a high risk area - planet earth.
06. Another report showed that in 60 percent of all marriages, at least one partner had been threatened by the other with a dangerous weapon. With me, it's my wife's cooking.
07. Have you been following the (CELEBRITY/POLITICIAN) trial? Some recent testimony was so racy, the court recorder had to type the transcript on plain brown paper.
08. To give you an idea of what some of the exhibits were like, eight pages of the transcript consisted of the jury's heavy breathing.
09. Lincoln once said "You can't fool all of the people, all of the time." Lincoln obviously had never seen a 1040 form.
10. I have tried living within my income, but they don't make houses that small.

January, 2010

01. Martha Stewart's time behind bars is starting to bear fruit. The other day a bank robber was caught in a sporting goods store looking for a ski mask that didn't clash with the color of his getaway car.
02. I heard about a nudist colony that's so exclusive you can't get in unless your buns are autographed by Martha Steward. Yeah, that's right - designer skin.
03. You remember 1929 when fortunes were lost in just a few seconds? We have the same thing today. It's called filling your gas tank.
04. I'm not too sure about the accountant I hired to do my taxes. After he finished filling out my tax return, he wiped his fingerprints off the pen.
05. Seems Donald Trump's celebrity isn't what it's cracked up to be. When asked how the world was treating him, the Donald said "It isn't. I've got to pay for everything."
06. When they asked Mariah Carey if she believed in Buddha? She said "Yes, but margarine is okay."
07. Why haven't I told a soul? I didn't realize it was a secret!
08. I'll never go to that doctor 'cause of what people are saying about his patients - Last Rights!
09. He's the kind of doctor who'd try to cure impotency by amputation.
10. You ought to read my lease. The only thing I'm not responsible for is world peace and that's only because I'm not allowed any guests.
11. Paris Hilton is a deep thinker. She said the only thing she has against alarm clocks is that they always go off when she's sleeping.
12. The genius of the Global Warming cult is they can blame the weather on the USA too.
13. My roommate always does the dishes the same way. Leaves them piled neatly beside the sink - for me to do.
14. Heard Tiger Wood's wife's divorce lawyer is a senior partner with Goldstein's House of Spite.
15. More state Supreme Courts are hearing arguments against using the new alternative to the electric chair. They make condemned prisoners rub their feed on a carpet for three years before forcing them to touch a doorknob.
16. (SMALL TOWN) is so slow, instead of patrol cars, the police department is furnished with black and white sneakers. (ADAPT COLORS TO COLORS OF YOUR POLICE CARS.)

LITTLE KNOWN POLICE CALLS:
17. 7-11: Taking a break for warm coffee, stale doughnuts and a sandwich.
18. 40-40-212 Mariah Carey goes jogging and the friction raises the silicone implants to boiling point.
19. 10-69: Paris Hilton committing a sexual offense.
20. A1 and A2: Please investigate cause of suspicious Lawrence Welk music.


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21. Someone should explain to the terrorist that violence is never the answer and it doesn't make a good question either.
22. Michael Jackson had a weird childhood. His invisible friend had a shadow.
23. You could tell in high school who were the kids who would grow up to be bag ladies. They were the ones who went to school with 36 lunches.
24. I remember once I was selling encyclopedias when this woman opened the door in her negligee. Why she had a door in her negligee I'll never know.
25. Saw a guy trying to get into (CURRENT SOLD OUT SPORTS EVENT). The ticket seller realized he was a fake when he asked for 3 tickets and said they were for friends of Sen. Harry Reid. Sen. Harry Reid doesn't have 3 friends.
26. Remember Sean Penn's and Madonna's story book marriage. "Crime and Punishment?" He was the crime and she was the punishment.
27. Talk about an identity crisis. Rosie O'Donnell traced her roots and discovered all her ancestors were heterosexual!
28. These non-smoking laws are getting a little out of hand. Now whenever I try to enter a non-smoking area I get frisked for matches and cigarettes.
29. Mama centipede, "Come quick! Junior just took his first fifty steps!"
30. Genetic scientists are weird. It was just announced they mixed chicken genes with alligator genes and got a handbag that crossed the road to get to the other side.
31. NEWSFLASH DATELINE IRAQ: "Chemical Ali" - victim of fair play!
32. A soon to be ex-bachelor tried to impress his bride. "See that window? I washed it once."
33. I could tell our marriage was off to a bad start when my wife's family held the reception in divorce court.
34. When my wife and I argue, it always ends in tears. It's frustrating, annoying and irrational — but I can't help crying!
35. Remember fairy tales? Kids today have the same thing, except they're called commercials.
36. (AFTER A MUSICAL ACT): That group reminds me of something. I keep forgetting to have our two cats spayed.
37. (INTRODUCTION) And now, a man who is a legend in his own shorts.
38. As a result of American agricultural assistance, Mexico now practices crop rotation - marijuana one year, poppies the next, then marijuana...
39. I tried to explain Mexico Export policy to my kid but he didn't understand the term "Coyotes."
40. They were shooting a commercial in New York recently. A crowd gathered wondering who was climbing the Empire State Building. One said it was a TV repairman, another said no, it looks like a giant ape and a third said, just goes to show you they'll hire anybody these days.