VIRTUAL COMEDY WRITING COURSE
by John Cantu

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"If I give you a joke, I make you funny for a day. If I teach you to joke, I make you funny for a lifetime."® by John Cantu © HumorMall.com

Questions and Answers - Part I

July 1, 2008

 

Let's go into question and answer areas that you are interested in. You just asked about what, comedians? Is that what you're talking about? Jokes or what.

Answer: Jokes.
John: Jokes for who?

Answer: Reader's Digest.
John: Reader's Digest. Okay. If you are sending out to Reader's Digest you can do it one of two ways. I used to do this. I'd take a sheet of paper and 20 ideas on one sheet of paper and mail it off to them. I put, submitted by John Cantu, Professional Writer up here. Numbered them 1 through 20. Put it in an envelope. Put a Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope in it and mailed it off.

Now they tell you mailed material will not be returned. Generally speaking though, if you write to a publication like that and include the Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope, after four or five submissions, it finally dawns on them, 'Hey, you're a serious writer.' You're not an amateur and they will take the time to return the material to you. They don't always do that. About the fourth or fifth time they'll start recognizing you.

Even though they get hundreds and hundreds and thousands of stuff. They don't get it from the same people. Like my comedy club. I do a comedy showcase on Sunday. There's about 10 people who are regulars. I know who those 10 people are. They come every week. I can rely on them. I've got about 60 people who have been here since January. But the people who have been here more than 50% of the time turn out to be about 15 people. There's a regularity about anything. So I don't have to worry about the 60. I just focus on those 10 to 15 who are regulars.

Same thing with a market. I used to have a girlfriend who was the editor for Playboy's After Hours column. And she said there was this one guy who would send in these batches. Big thick envelopes. He was retired. He would read magazines. Cut items out. Circle stuff, put in little notes. 'Bet you find this one funny. I really laughed at this.' She said she felt like she had to buy one or two every month, 'cause he submitted so much stuff. He was a regular.

So that's filler stuff. Now by the way. If you are going to submit to Reader's Digest what I suggest you do, submit you stuff to all the other magazines first. Go to Reader's Digest last. Because if you sell it to Saturday Evening Post, you can still sell it to Reader's Digest. They will reprint stuff from other magazines. It doesn't go the other way around. So you can get two sales on each item.

Questions and Answers - Part II

July 8, 2008

 

Greeting Cards: Same thing as joke submissions. Put them on 8 1/2 x 11 sheets of paper.

Curtis Swan. Boy, wait until you guys come up and see these. This card here is a bunch of people with little hearts. What they did was give me the cards and had me write the captions for them. I saw this and said to myself, 'don't be funny.' Got $900 bucks for doing them. Took about 3 weeks.

Just a bunch of repetitions of hearts in different colors. And I came up with this caption: "I love you. I'll say it again, and again, again." $75 dollars for that. They gave me all these cards and wanted a new caption for each.

What I did was take a yellow post-it note and I stuck a post-it note in each one of them. And when I was waiting in line at the bank. When I was waiting in line for a bus. Any kind of downtime, I would pick one up, look at the front, open it and write down the first six lines that came into my head. If I didn't get anything in the first 3 minutes I went on to the next one. That was it.

This one. Little balloons up in the air. 'I'd be full of hot air if I pretended I didn't care. Happy Valentines day." And another $75 dollars. Holy mollie.

Question: Did they call you because of your reputation?
John: No, I saw an ad in the Pink Section (entertainment section of the SF Chronicle Sunday paper.) Greeting card writers wanted. Seriously. Saw it in the Pink Section. Thought it was a scam. They had a 120 cards they wanted lines for.

Here's what you do. Like for this one. OUTSIDE: a turtle blowing a horn. INSIDE: a sloth with a party hat. Inside Caption: "I'd go to any lengths to wish you a happy birthday."

OUTSIDE: A cat with the Caption: You're basically a good person. Inside Caption: With a lot of greats thrown in. You can see these cards later.

The formula is: Outside state the picture with any writing that goes with it. And then put the Inside. Outside - Inside. Outside - Inside. That's how you write greeting cards ideas.

Usually 10 to 20 per batch. Go to the library. There's a recent (2001) article in Writer's Digest with a listing of about 8 places that buys ideas. Anywhere from $50 bucks to $200 dollars. It really is a lucrative part time market.

But you just can't write jokes. You're writing a message. An I-You message, number one. Somebody is saying something. Somebody is saying Happy Birthday. Missing you. Congratulations at work. It's an I-You message number one. And number two, 80% of all cards are purchased by women. So you have to be able think from a feminine viewpoint. You can't do football lines. You can't do sport lines. There's not a big market for that.

Another thing about writing Greeting Card ideas is you want to have them gender and number free. You don't want to say, 'My wife and I...' or 'My husband and I...' You want to say, 'Thinking about you on your birthday.' That way it can be sent by one person. It can be sent by a married couple. It can be sent by a family. It can be sent by an office.

Think about that. They're usually gender free unless it's a specific office card saying 'All the gang.' And even then it's the 'gang.' It is the office gang, the bowling gang. It is your postmaster's gang. Any group of people. You have to keep that stuff open ended to sell. They are looking to have the cards sold as much as possible.

Questions and Answers - Part III

July 15, 2008

 

Writing for comedians: If you're going to write for comedians. First of all, think in terms of jokes. You decided what you want to get per joke. You can charge $2 bucks a joke, $5 bucks a joke, $10 bucks a joke, $50 bucks a joke... I don't care. Think in your head - so much per joke. Now that becomes your base rate. So if somebody comes and says 'You're a comedy writer. What do you charge?' What would you say?

Answer: Various answers.
John: A comedian comes up and says, you're a comedy writer. 'What do you charge?' You say, 'Well that depends. What are you looking for?'

Very important to say, 'What are you looking for?' Because the comedian might say 'Well I'd like to have a couple of extra minutes in my act. What do you charge?' Or they might say, 'Gee, you know I could use another page or two of material. What do you charge?'

People will ask you to quote them on one of three areas. By the joke, by the page, by the minute. If you sit down and arbitrarily think of a certain fee in your head. And you say to yourself, 'Okay, I want to get at least $10 a joke.' If someone comes to you saying they're looking for 10 to 15 jokes on the Gulf War situation. You say, 'Tell you what, I'll take a $100 for the ten.' That is simple.

It's when they say, 'Oh, I'd like another page or two on the Gulf War.' Or they'd like to have a couple of minutes on the Gulf War. Now we're talking about writing material for comedians. If they say they want a page of material, think of 10 jokes per page.

So a page of material would be what?

Answer: $100.
John: $100. And if you think of a page of material, 8.5" x 11" double spaced as being two minutes of material. What do you charge per minute?

Answer: $50
John: $50 per minute.

That is a good simple way to be able to handle anything. 'Well that depends. What are you looking for?' And whatever they're looking for, that's how you phrase your answer.

'Well you know, I could use 5 or 6 zingers in my act.' 'I charge $10 a zinger.'

They say, 'I'd like to get an observation with a punchline that comes out of left field. I need about 5 or 10.' 'Well, I tell you what. I can give you 5 observations with a punchline that comes out of left field for $50.' Obviously what they are talking about are jokes.

But never use the term jokes. Always use the terminology the client uses. If they say they want zingers, I've got zingers. Right here, 5 great zingers. What are you looking for? You're looking for observations. Five quick observations. What are you looking for? 'Well, I want some one liners. Five great one liners.' What are you looking for? 'I want some toppers. Five toppers.' That's basic salesmanship. Basic salesmanship is to use the language of your customers.

Questions and Answers - Part IV

July 22, 2008

 

Basic rule in negotiating is what folks?

Answer: Always ask questions.
John: Always ask questions. The person who quotes money first loses. The person who quotes a number first loses.

'It depends. What are you looking for? What kind of budget do you have?'

You want to have a figure in your head like $10 a joke so you know that you will at least get that. But, 'What do you have? $200 for a five jokes? Gee, I don't know because normally I charge a bit more. But you know. Since you're at the Curtain Call... I think..."

You don't want to mention $10 a joke when they have a budge of $200 for 5 jokes.

You want to go, 'Well, gee. I don't know. $200. Only $200 for 5 jokes. I don't like to work that cheap but...'

I don't care what it is, 'I don't like to work that cheap but... I'll make an exception... I'll give you a deal...'

How many people here have bought a car? Go down to any dealership and what happens? You go into the room and the salesman sits there and talks. You get to a price and he says, 'Well, I have to check with my sales manager.'

The sales manager comes in and says, 'What do you want to pay? No, we couldn't possibly do it for that.' The sales manager leaves. What does the salesman say? 'I'll tell you what. I think I can get...'

Like he's really gonna help you by screwing his sales manager. 'I think I can get the sales manager to come down... If you could just come up a little bit.'

Is the salesman working with you or the sales manager? 'I think I can make a deal. Tell ya what I'm gonna do.'

It's negotiating. It's negotiating. I wish I understood this in the beginning. What ever people say, you don't jump at it. It's a negotiating ploy. 'Well, that's an interesting starting point...'

Learn to negotiate. That's the stuff about comedy.

As to giving your material to somebody. You will find that the easier it is to hire a comedian, the easier it is to approach them. Jay Leno buys material. Rodney Dangerfield buys material. Johnny Carson buys material. Dave Letterman buys material. You would think they don't need to buy material because they're funny and established.

You would think, 'who needs to buy material?' God damn scum of the earth open mikers who aren't funny. Why not buy material? 'Oh no, I write my own stuff.' I know. I've seen your act. I've got some stuff for you. 'Oh no. I couldn't do that. I'm an artist.' The higher the comedian the easier it is. Because their ego isn't involved. They go, 'Hey that's a good line. I can do it.'

To me a comedian really becomes a comedian when he starts saying, 'Yeah, my writer. Or my writers.' When he can psychologically divorce himself and not say, 'Oh, I've got to write my own stuff.'

People who write their own stuff. Open mikes are full of them. Full of them. Nobody ever writes an article saying, 'Dave Letterman. If he didn't have those 12 writers, he'd be funny.'

Nobody says, 'Gee, Jay Leno. If he just got rid of his head writers... he'd be funny.' Nothing to do with writers. Nothing to do with writers.

Okay, that's selling jokes. Some other areas of writing that you are interested in?

Next Week: Questions and Answers - Part V

Earlier lessons will be available for one month HERE:

And then be available only via subscription to InnerSanctum until the next class.