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How many comics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve. One to screw it in, the other eleven to stand around and say, "That's not his light bulb."
What's the difference between a booker and a hooker?
There are some things a hooker won't do for money.
OLD LADY: "I just wanted to tell you I thought you did very funny"
"I don't care what everyone else was saying. I thought you did funny. So what do you do for a living?"
"I do stand-up comedy for a living"
"Oh...you mean they actually pay you?"
What do you call a guy hanging around the club asking for money to find a place to sleep?
Two comics run into each other at a bar...
First comic: "Whatcha been up to?"
Second comic: "I just won $30 million in the lottery."
First comic: "Cool! What are you going to do?"
Second comic: "I'm gonna keep working the road 'til the money runs out."
Comic picks up one of the waitresses at the club
and spends the evening with her. As she is leaving the condo the next morning she says, "Could you do me a favor and not mention this to anyone?"
The comic says, "Yeah, I understand you'd get fired" and she says, "No, I just dont want anyone to know I slept with the MC"
How many open-mikers...
Q: How many open-mikers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: "Light? What light? I never saw any light!!"
Not a single laugh.
Yes, a silent audience
Brings one intense pain.
The perfect chunk.
A funny premise.
The joke flowed effortlessly.
I hear the silence.
Asha (email@example.com) writes two free ezines, on speech making and on cultivating the inner garden. Write if interested.
Trying to Get the Open Slot
Call and leave message.
Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. "Hello?".
"Sorry dude, gig's booked!"
Immediately following the show...
Woman: (to comic) That was the BEST show I've ever seen!
God, you were sooo FUNNY! I was kind of down tonight...
my boyfriend and I broke up...I didn't want to go out,
but my friends made me come here. I am SO glad they did...
You were wonderful! Thanks! (SHE TURNS TO GO)
Comic: Wait! Where are you going?
Woman: To sleep with a member of the band across the street.
A woman walks up to a comic after the show and says
"That was the best show I've ever seen. You are sooooo sexy.
I watched you and I got hot and excited. I want to take you back to
my place and make mad passionate love to you."
The comic looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show, or the second?"
(Cantu says, "Now that's VERY funny and VERY true!")
Three comics die on the way to a gig...
They get to heaven, and St. Peter welcomes them at the gate:
"Hello, my Son," St. Peter says to the headliner.
"You were one of the Lord's favorites... You had so much potential ahead
of you, but the work you leave behind will be remembered for an eternity.
You have made many laugh, and have pleased us all.
Come in and sit at the right hand of the Father."
He turns to the middle act: "The joy you spread upon this planet has earned
you a special place, as well. Come in, and take a special seat at the left hand of the Father."
He turns to the MC/opener and says, "Oh.. you were funny, too..."
How many comics does it take to screw in a light bulb in a comedy condo?
There are no light bulbs in a comedy condo.
Why did the comic cross the road?
Never mind, you wouldn't get it anyway.
The only difference between a comic and someone on un-employment is the person on un-employment is GUARANTEED the check is in the mail on the 15th.
St. Peter asks three people why they should get passed the pearly gates:
1st Guy says "I was a policeman. I helped stop crime and saved many people".
St. Peter says "Yes, you may come into heaven".
2nd Guy says "I was a writer. I wrote books that helped expand minds and educated people". St. Peter says,"Yes, you may come into heaven".
3rd Guy says "I was a comedian. I made people laugh".
St. Peter says,"Can you send me a tape"?
Reprinted from: http://www.davidspark.com/
A girl goes to her father and introduces her boyfriend. "Dad, this is Jim. He and I want to get married."
Father: "Where did you meet?
"At the Ha Ha Ago Go comedy club. He was performing there."
Father goes nuts. "Never. Never. I would never let any of my children marry a comedian. - - - much less the love of my life - my only daughter."
Comic says, "Gee, you know, you have never even seen me perform. Will you at least come to the club and hear me on Saturday Night?"
Father refuses, but all week long he daughter cajoles him. So Saturday evening he gets in a car and drives to the club. He sits grimly through the show. As the house lights go up, he turns to his daughter and says, "Okay, you can marry him."
"Oh Dad. Thanks. What made you change your mind?"
"He's no comedian."
"Hey, I'm in a limo wherever I go."
Club owner: "Really? How long you been a chauffeur?"
Optimist: Open miker with a beeper
What do 99% of all aspiring comics say during their gig?
"Want fries with that?"
Comic wins The state lottery. Friend says, "Wow, what are you gonna do with all that?"
"Keep showcasing till the money runs out."
How many hecklers does it take to pave a driveway?
About a dozen if you smooth them out right.
Comic runs into a friend on a street corner. "How's work?"
"Well I had a gig at the biggest casino in Vegas. But then they put in paper towels."
Winston Churchills oldest daughter, Sarah, had married Vic Oliver, a music-hall comedian. At a family dinner, Oliver, who brought along a guest, tried to draw out his famous father-in-law from one of his periodic silent moods. "Winston, who, in your opinion, was the greatest statesman you have ever known?"
"Benito Mussolini," was the unexpected reply.
"Mussolini is the only statesman", grumbled Churchill, "who had the requisite courage to have his own son-in-law executed."
(Count Ciano, the former Italian Foreign Secretary who married Mussolini's daughter was shot in 1942.) From More Podium Humor by James C. Humes
Open miker goes to the doctor. "I can't go to the bathroom."
Doctor gives him some pills. "Take two of these every day and you'll be fine."
Two weeks later he returns. "I still can't go to the bathroom."
Doctor doubles the dose.
Comic returns in a week looking terrible. "I still can't go to the bathroom."
"Hmm, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a comedian."
"Oh, here's $20 bucks. Try getting yourself something to eat."
What is the least used sentence in the English language?
"Is that the MC's Porsche?"